Even If...

There is a new song by Kutless with extremely powerful lyrics that can cause self reflection.

Even if...

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful one

Is it possible to really mean those words? Is it possible to love God so unconditionally that regardless if he answers my prayers or if I have a blessed life, I can love him? It is something that I think I am capable of until I stumble in life. At each failure, for seconds to days, I accuse God of being an unloving and unfaithful creator. There is much wrong in this thinking. For one, God first loved me- absolutely unconditionally. He gave his life, blood, and flesh for me. He was pure and good and became sin and conquered death for me. He knew I wouldn't be perfect and I wouldn't love him like he deserved, but he still gave his last breath for me. He has an "even if" kind of love. Even if I fail him, he loves me. Even if I doubt him, he loves me. Even if I leave him, he loves me.

My love for him on the other hand, has been far from "even if." As many Christians like me, we have an "only if." Although not easy to admit, it is too easy for us to love God only if we get the job, the car, the house, the spouse. When life begins to go off the blueprint we have planned, we consistently take anger and confusion out on God.

The discourse with the relationship is similar to a parent and child. Children grow in love for their parents. A parent's love for their child begins as soon as conception. Children learn first to trust their parent and the more consistent the parent is in providing for the child, the more the child's love grows.

But for us, we don't need a lifetime of proven events for God to show his faithfulness to us in order for our love to grow for him. In one action, he showed the world and every person to ever walk the earth how much he loves you. His only purpose on earth was to die for you. He loves so much that he was born just to love you.

So, how can we change from only to even? By simply remembering that that is the only way God loves us. From our first breath he has loved us Even If, and to our last. We are his children and so when we first first thought into being, he loved us. Loving someone who will love you despite your flaws, is actually pretty easy. If you remember that God has unconditional love for you, and failure after failure he will still hold out his arms to embrace you- how can you not have an Even if love for him?

Freedom

Give me liberty or Give me death....

We all want freedom...well because we want to be free. But freedom can be overwhelming and it can be confusing. There is so much open to us in this world, you can be anyone you want, you can do anything you want, you can pray to whomever you want...The question we rarely pose is "what do I want?"

For the majority of my life I didn't do what I wanted, but what others convinced me was "fun." I was drawn into the illusion of freedom being the key to happiness. Freedom was poisoning. The more I had the closer my soul came to death.

It took a few years for me to understand that the freedom I craved was created by an addiction I had to being selfish. Liberty didn't free me, it confined me. Liberty caused my death. But it is when I died that I really learned what was worth living for.

I'm an indebted servant these days. The connotations of the phrase don't allow many to see the true beauty in the words. When I lived for myself, I got myself in more trouble and life didn't seem to be worth living on most days. Before I really knew Christ, my liberty was causing my death. When I used the freedom of my choice to give up my life to myself and give it to Christ- that's when I felt truly free.

Dying to yourself isn't a one-time process. At every fork in the road I have to choose the path for Christ, and though some decisions are harder than others, and though I've chosen the wrong one many times, I won't let that stop me at the next fork. I won't allow myself to stray so far from the path of Christ anymore. That's what I do with my freedom now. I've given it to Christ.

Liberty- noun: freedom from external control, interference, obligation, restriction, hampering, conditions.

Every fork in the road is an opportunity to quit listening to those external forces that try to control you. Follow instead the path of God. I wasn't made for this world, my heart longs for something more, it seeks something more. So that makes everything here foreign to me and I refuse to follow foreign rule over my soul. I'll instead follow Christ, because he bought me with His blood. 

Prince Charming

Fairy tales and Disney movies are "The Notebook" for young girls. We hear so much about finding a Prince Charming so that our lives will be complete. I'm not a feminist by any means, and that's not where this is headed....but, we learn to seek for love from a male from such an early age. If a man loves you that's when you feel beautiful, confident, and intelligent. Something is wrong with growing up this way.

We seek after love more than we do wisdom. A single gal is always told "the right one is out there," "don't give up," and other cliches. It doesn't matter what else she has in her life, without a man- everyone will still pity her. Why is it so important to a girl to have a man in her life? Someone to crush on? Someone to daydream about? Why are so many girls boy crazy? We are seeking for something that we don't have in our lives and believe the false testimony of the world when it tells us we can only get it from a boyfriend/husband. 

What do we seek for in a man? Someone who will love us at our weakest, who can make us smile, who would choose us over himself, who can provide for us, who will be there for us, who won't disappoint us, who will love our family and our friends, who will make us feel beautiful.... 

Well the good news is that Christ was sent to be all those things for us. The bad news is that the church doesn't present Him that way, and girls still go seeking for a man that can never live up to the love that Christ longs to envelope her in. 

Just because we can't physically see Him, doesn't mean we can't love Him. We can have a real intimacy with Christ, share with Him the deepest parts of thoughts and fears just like we do with a boyfriend. So why don't we? 

Everything we want from love: honesty, selflessness, strength, hope, patience, perseverance, passion, never ending ...that's exactly how Christ loves us. He gives of Himself completely...but we push that aside not realizing it's everything we want. 

A man loves you so much that he sacrificed Himself for you...if you saw the drama unfolding in a movie theatre you would long for that kind of love...it happened in real life..and it happened for you. The Prince Charming that you've been waiting for is waiting for you. 

You won't let go...

As a follow up to my previous self- realization post, I heard a song in church on Monday that I have been using as a mantra for the past week.

I love it when lyrics aren't just pretty words set to a contagious beat, but powerful and motivating.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6_T29ZaxyE

Take my heart
Lord will you take my heart
As I surrender to Your will
I confess You are my righteousness
And until You move me I'll be still
And know that You are God.
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands and
I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed that You love me
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands and
I'm not afraid my world is safe
In Your Hands Oh
In Your hands


Take my life
Lord will You take my life
You are the reason that I live
I believe You have forgiven me
And by Your grace I will forgive
And know that You are God
And know that You are God

You won't let go of me
You won't let go of me
You won't let go of me
You Won't let go
 Never let go
You will take care of me
You will take care of me
You will take care of Me 
You will take care 
Always take care
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world
And you won't let go

I've been dealing with many disappointments lately, wondering if where I am is where I am supposed to be. I fell into the trap of "if I'm meant to be here, I'll succeed at everything" and the other common belief "if God is with me, I won't see a single obstacle."

I don't know why these thoughts are so engrained in me and the second things don't go the way I expect them, I'm instantly disappointed and questioning God's plan.

Who I am to question the plan of God? What do I know about anything? What will happen in 2 seconds, 2 hours, 2 years? I think I have so much worked out but really I have no plans,  I have no idea what God has in store for me.

Through my harsh realities this week, I remembered a quote that I thought I always understood but didn't fully grasp until a few days ago:

If you can't trace His hands, trust His heart

I definitely can't trace God's hand in my life right now, I don't know what path He is about to lead me on, but when I remembered that quote I also realized I don't really trust His heart. I let the thought creep into my mind that He was out to punish me. That's some love I have for Him, huh? 

Then I thought about my whole life- how I can never see what His next move is, but He has always been good to me and in the long run His plans have been better than anything I could have envisioned for myself.

I love relating to King David. He was promised the position of King, years before it actually happened. He knew he was going to overtake Saul, but he had to run for his life- literally, because Saul was always trying to kill him. I wonder how many times David questioned God's plan for him when he was being hunted. 

"Maybe I heard Him wrong" "Maybe I did something to lose His favor" 

"Maybe He chose someone else and didn't tell me"

So much doubt can fill your mind when the path you are taking to your destination isn't as easy as you anticipated, but a true test of faith (one that I just failed) is if you can tell God that you don't know what route God has planned for you- the scenic, the quickest, the all terrain, the main roads, the highways- but that regardless of the road, you know you'll end up where you need to be if you just keep following.

Ransom

My favorite image of Christ is paying my ransom.

1 Timothy 2:6 "who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time.

                      

                       Mark 10:45 "For the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many"

                     Hosea 13:14 " I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. O Death, I will be your plagues! O Grave, I will be your destruction!"

I imagine my life before Christ, as being kidnapped and bound into a life of sin searching for a way out. I don't know if it is because I watch so many law/crime shows and movies and I've seen the terror in many kidnapped victims. I pretend I am in their position and wonder how I would get out. The kidnapper would have brought me a meal and I pretend I'm sick and then headbutt him and make a run for the door. Or I'm in a room and break off pieces of wood to hold onto as a shank. The chances of me doing any of my ideas in real life are slim to none. In my mind I'm a much braver person than I am in real life. 

Well my life with sin was a lot like that. I see other people in sin and come up with many ways I would get out of it. I could quit drinking if I was in their position I tell myself. I could go to church every Sunday, what is so hard about that? I could live without lying...so many ways I tell myself I could get out of sin and I think I know the exit route but when I'm in sin- when I've really been kidnapped I have no idea how to get out. 

I can see my life before Christ...I'm bound to anger, lying, unforgiveness, lovelessness, doubt, self pity, judgement, faithlessness...the list of adjectives could go on. I envision my life as a scene from a movie. I'm bound and gagged. I can hear the kidnappers talk about me as if my life is nothing. They don't really want me, I am just the way to get to someone they want to hurt. Someone that loves me so much he/she would do anything to get me back. That person is the real reason for my kidnapping. 

So I'm in a room.. I don't know how I got there, and I don't know how to get out. There is a tiny window  in the room I'm being held in. I can see Christ walking up towards the building that is surrounded by my kidnappers. There are snipers on the roof, and two armed guards in front of the door. But still, my Christ walks up. He isn't holding a briefcase filled with unmarked bills. He seems to be only carrying a cross. It is heavy. His head is down and still he walks up to the door with power and determination. The weight of the cross doesn't seem to break his stride. 

Finally the kidnappers come into my dark lonely room and drag me out. Now, I'm face to face with my Christ. Now that I'm closer, I can see the true weight of the cross. There is blood and sweat running down Christ's face. When I was in my room away from Him, I didn't think about how long He had been carrying this cross for, I didn't even think about why He was carrying it. 

Now that I can see His flesh and blood, I still don't understand what is happening. The kidnappers ask Him if He is prepared. They ask Him if He is sure. They ask Him ..why? Why is He doing this for me? I listen to the answers but I don't understand. I barely know this Man. I walked away from Him, I got myself in this situation. The only question that repeats in my mind is Why? Why me? Why the cross? Why do you love me? 

The kidnappers push me towards Him. I cling to Him as long as I can and then He lovingly walks towards my demons. They post the cross and then nail my Savior to it. I can't look Him in the face, I'm so ashamed of putting Him in this situation. Why was I so selfish to need to come down this path instead finding this love first? 

I was free. Christ died for me. I was kidnapped and instead of money, Christ paid for me with His own blood- every drop of it. He was my first love and my Savior. He came to my rescue when no one else would come near me. I was lost to the world, a forgotten memory, but I was never lost to Christ. 

Missing a piece of me...

I’m not good with vocabulary or eloquent prose. I don’t use metaphors or analogies. But I know how beautiful your smile was. How your eyes lit up when you were with those you loved. I can’t compare you to a flower or a song, a feeling or a psalms. I just know how much I miss you and how much you changed my life.

You make me want to be better everyday just so I can see you. Your laugh echoes in my mind and shatters my senses. I should have asked you more about your life, your childhood, pain and faith but I thought I had a lifetime to hear such tales.

But God’s time and mine sharply collided and His won. He won you. He won your smile and He won your laugh.  And you won your crown, your victory and health. You won.

You were strong when I wasn’t. You held your faith, when I couldn’t find mine. You taught me until your last breath- how to be beautiful, how to be graceful, how to be loving, how to be generous, how to be God’s.

I didn't hear all your stories, but you will always be in mine.