I've been dealing with many disappointments lately, wondering if where I am is where I am supposed to be. I fell into the trap of "if I'm meant to be here, I'll succeed at everything" and the other common belief "if God is with me, I won't see a single obstacle."

I don't know why these thoughts are so engrained in me and the second things don't go the way I expect them, I'm instantly disappointed and questioning God's plan.

Who I am to question the plan of God? What do I know about anything? What will happen in 2 seconds, 2 hours, 2 years? I think I have so much worked out but really I have no plans,  I have no idea what God has in store for me.

Through my harsh realities this week, I remembered a quote that I thought I always understood but didn't fully grasp until a few days ago:

If you can't trace His hands, trust His heart

I definitely can't trace God's hand in my life right now, I don't know what path He is about to lead me on, but when I remembered that quote I also realized I don't really trust His heart. I let the thought creep into my mind that He was out to punish me. That's some love I have for Him, huh? 

Then I thought about my whole life- how I can never see what His next move is, but He has always been good to me and in the long run His plans have been better than anything I could have envisioned for myself.

I love relating to King David. He was promised the position of King, years before it actually happened. He knew he was going to overtake Saul, but he had to run for his life- literally, because Saul was always trying to kill him. I wonder how many times David questioned God's plan for him when he was being hunted. 

"Maybe I heard Him wrong" "Maybe I did something to lose His favor" 

"Maybe He chose someone else and didn't tell me"

So much doubt can fill your mind when the path you are taking to your destination isn't as easy as you anticipated, but a true test of faith (one that I just failed) is if you can tell God that you don't know what route God has planned for you- the scenic, the quickest, the all terrain, the main roads, the highways- but that regardless of the road, you know you'll end up where you need to be if you just keep following.

Ransom

My favorite image of Christ is paying my ransom.

1 Timothy 2:6 "who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time.

                      

                       Mark 10:45 "For the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many"

                     Hosea 13:14 " I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. O Death, I will be your plagues! O Grave, I will be your destruction!"

I imagine my life before Christ, as being kidnapped and bound into a life of sin searching for a way out. I don't know if it is because I watch so many law/crime shows and movies and I've seen the terror in many kidnapped victims. I pretend I am in their position and wonder how I would get out. The kidnapper would have brought me a meal and I pretend I'm sick and then headbutt him and make a run for the door. Or I'm in a room and break off pieces of wood to hold onto as a shank. The chances of me doing any of my ideas in real life are slim to none. In my mind I'm a much braver person than I am in real life. 

Well my life with sin was a lot like that. I see other people in sin and come up with many ways I would get out of it. I could quit drinking if I was in their position I tell myself. I could go to church every Sunday, what is so hard about that? I could live without lying...so many ways I tell myself I could get out of sin and I think I know the exit route but when I'm in sin- when I've really been kidnapped I have no idea how to get out. 

I can see my life before Christ...I'm bound to anger, lying, unforgiveness, lovelessness, doubt, self pity, judgement, faithlessness...the list of adjectives could go on. I envision my life as a scene from a movie. I'm bound and gagged. I can hear the kidnappers talk about me as if my life is nothing. They don't really want me, I am just the way to get to someone they want to hurt. Someone that loves me so much he/she would do anything to get me back. That person is the real reason for my kidnapping. 

So I'm in a room.. I don't know how I got there, and I don't know how to get out. There is a tiny window  in the room I'm being held in. I can see Christ walking up towards the building that is surrounded by my kidnappers. There are snipers on the roof, and two armed guards in front of the door. But still, my Christ walks up. He isn't holding a briefcase filled with unmarked bills. He seems to be only carrying a cross. It is heavy. His head is down and still he walks up to the door with power and determination. The weight of the cross doesn't seem to break his stride. 

Finally the kidnappers come into my dark lonely room and drag me out. Now, I'm face to face with my Christ. Now that I'm closer, I can see the true weight of the cross. There is blood and sweat running down Christ's face. When I was in my room away from Him, I didn't think about how long He had been carrying this cross for, I didn't even think about why He was carrying it. 

Now that I can see His flesh and blood, I still don't understand what is happening. The kidnappers ask Him if He is prepared. They ask Him if He is sure. They ask Him ..why? Why is He doing this for me? I listen to the answers but I don't understand. I barely know this Man. I walked away from Him, I got myself in this situation. The only question that repeats in my mind is Why? Why me? Why the cross? Why do you love me? 

The kidnappers push me towards Him. I cling to Him as long as I can and then He lovingly walks towards my demons. They post the cross and then nail my Savior to it. I can't look Him in the face, I'm so ashamed of putting Him in this situation. Why was I so selfish to need to come down this path instead finding this love first? 

I was free. Christ died for me. I was kidnapped and instead of money, Christ paid for me with His own blood- every drop of it. He was my first love and my Savior. He came to my rescue when no one else would come near me. I was lost to the world, a forgotten memory, but I was never lost to Christ. 

Missing a piece of me...

I’m not good with vocabulary or eloquent prose. I don’t use metaphors or analogies. But I know how beautiful your smile was. How your eyes lit up when you were with those you loved. I can’t compare you to a flower or a song, a feeling or a psalms. I just know how much I miss you and how much you changed my life.

You make me want to be better everyday just so I can see you. Your laugh echoes in my mind and shatters my senses. I should have asked you more about your life, your childhood, pain and faith but I thought I had a lifetime to hear such tales.

But God’s time and mine sharply collided and His won. He won you. He won your smile and He won your laugh.  And you won your crown, your victory and health. You won.

You were strong when I wasn’t. You held your faith, when I couldn’t find mine. You taught me until your last breath- how to be beautiful, how to be graceful, how to be loving, how to be generous, how to be God’s.

I didn't hear all your stories, but you will always be in mine. 

Remind Me

Remind Me by Jason Gray

When I lose my way,

And I forget my name

Remind me who I am

In the mirror all I see 

Is who I don't wanna be

Remind me who I am

In the loneliest places 

When I can't remember what grace is 

Tell me, once again who I am to You, who I am to You

Tell me, lest I forget Who I am to You, that I belong to You

When my heart is like a stone, 

And I'm running far from home

Remind me who I am 

When I can't receive Your love

Afraid I'll never be enough

Remind me who I am

If I'm Your beloved

Can you help me believe it

I'm the one You love

I'm the one You love

That will be enough

I'm the one You love

Who did you bring?

I heard of Nick Vujicic a couple years ago at a conference. Unfortunately I didn't get to hear him speak then, but only heard the rave reviews about him and his message. Nick speaks about the beautifying love of Jesus Christ.

I think we all look at ourselves and some days we hate the reflection of selfishness, pride, arrogance, and even our physical appearance. During my own ugly duckling phase, where the combination of headgear, glasses, and acne was my reflection, I failed to realize I was beautifully and fearfully made. Pslams 139:14 should really be on every mirror in every middle school.

We constantly think of ourselves as inferior to those that don't have the same problems we see in ourselves. Nick Vujicic struggled with the same feelings, but on a scale that makes my own insecurities pale in comparison. Nick was born without hands or feet. He struggled with everything I did/do but overcame these obstacles with such strength that only a mighty God could give.

 I heard a message from him recently on TV that still resonates in my mind:

"When I get to heaven I believe Jesus will ask me two things: 

Do you know me and Who did you bring?" 

Right now I can't answer the latter question. I'm still struggling on how to answer the first one. I've never put much effort into bringing someone with me to heaven. I've spent a lot of time focusing on how to get myself there. I guess it's about time for me to start caring about others and not just my own soul. I don't know how well the metaphorical church is doing at "bringing others" it seems like a lot of time and money is spent on entertaining the souls that are already won. Jesus won the acceptance of others just by loving them, so I guess that's a good place to start, except he loved them unconditionally and purely. I can't even love myself or my family that way.

I ask for a lot of things (literally, things) from God, but I think it's about time I started asking Him to let me genuinely love people the way He does. Nick loves wholeheartedly because he firmly believes that the reason he was born without limbs was so he could witness to thousands of people. He no longer prays for a miracle of arms and legs, like he did when he was a child because he knows that his circumstances are the reason people flock to listen to his messages of Christ.

What if we all quit asking for changes to our "deformities" and started asking God to show us how to use them to bring someone to Him? There has always only been one thing on my bucket list- bring One Person to Christ...that seems pretty lazy considering I've been alive for 25 years, and that still hasn't been crossed off. What the heck have I been doing?! 

Time for a new plan: I want to bring PEOPLE to Christ. I want that to be my mission, my purpose. It's going to take me out of my comfort zone, take a whole lot more effort, more time in prayer, more time in real conversations, more time in self-reflection, and a slew of other sacrifices that I'm too naive to realize. But, really...it's about time that I gave MORE, because people with LESS are doing MORE.


 http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/

Blogs worth blogging

Baron Batch is a Texas Tech graduate, a running back for the Steelers, a creative mind, and a pretty great writer...check out the guest writer page too.

baronbatch.blogspot.com

A Christ for the Rich and Famous

I've been thinking a lot about who Christians witness to. Mission trips are focused on poor populations 99% of the time. We feel bad about the way they live, what they eat, what they wear, their health and so to add some joy in their life and to give them hope for an eternal life filled with blessings, Christians tell these "poor" people about Christ- His love, His mercy, His power. We tell them all He can do because we feel like their earthly life is in such destitution that they need a Provider.

What about those that are rich? What about celebrities, CEOs, managers...the people we see everyday who seem to have it all? How often do we feel the need to tell them about the love of Christ? The rich need a Savior just as badly as the poor do.

Steve Jobs died on October 1. He was 56. He was a billionaire. He was a buddhist. Steve Jobs could have had anything he ever wanted in this world. He was idolized, admired, respected, and loved, but he wasn't saved. I wonder if anyone told him about Christ. He was an intelligent man, I don't doubt he knew of Christ. But I wonder if anyone sat down with him and told him about Christ, and told him that Christ could offer him a life beyond this one.

Maybe he wasn't the first on anyone's list to witness to because he seemed to have everything. Christians usually go for those who are depressed, weak, and poor first. I think it's time for that to change. The richest people you know may seem to have everything they need and you may be intimidated to speak to them about Christ, but pray for courage and wisdom and spread the good news of a loving Savior, who loves the rich man just as much as the poor man and whose blood equally pardons the sins of both.

Proverbs 22:2- The rich and the poor have this in common, The Lord is the maker of them all.

Wishes or Prayers?

Why do we equate the disappointment/failures that we feel from this world to mean that there is no God?

Is God a genie or a King? Does a God exist to grant wishes or to be served?

Christians or Christ Followers?

Unfortunately, too many of the the loudest supporters of Christianity have the wrong idea of Christ.

He did not come to make bad men good, but dead men alive. - Shane Claiborne

Many Christians act like the acknowledgement of Christ as the Son of God gives them moral superiority. Why is that? The acceptance of Jesus as your savior doesn't mean you are given a right to judge or condemn the lifestyle of others because the acceptance of Christ does not take away your ability to sin or make you a "good" person.

What Christians, who really believe in Christ as their savior should be doing is living as if this world is not their home and prepare their hearts, minds, and souls to a life that is meant for them.

You are more convincing with your actions than you are with your words.

The "But" Prayer

I caught myself praying a but prayer.

Lord, I know that I’m a sinful person. My sins are no less than theirs. I lie too, but…..

Then I fell silent. I realized the “but” voided my prayer. My intent was to say that I too have sinned and realize my sin is as bad as person “x” “but” mine were done with good intentions and mine was for a different reason, therefore God is validated in not judging me the same as person “x.”

WHAT NONSENSE! How easy it is to lie to ourselves. I even tried to rationalize my prayer and I sat there silently go through my vocabulary of how I could rearrange the sentence to make it so that I could still pray my intended prayer.

What a relief to the whole world, that I am not God and I am in no position to judge someone else, because if I set myself as the standard for the people I am around now, how much higher my expectation would be if I were God. The earth would have been destroyed every year because I would be so disappointed in the people.

I am so thankful that when God looks upon me, He sees that I can be a liar, judgemental, angry, stubborn, and unforgiving and yet His response to me is BUT I still love her. She still hasn’t learned what I’m been trying to show her, BUT I will give her another chance. She still holds on to that hurt, BUT I will forgive her. She still …BUT I will save her.

My prayer was going to be a prayer that God would show others how they have faulted, but instead He should me how much more I still have to learn.

More Like Falling in Love

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Matthew 6

We all worry. Few people walk around with their possessions on their back and their eyes closed, waiting for the path to be made for them- without a steady job or wordly security. When worrying is bad and ineffective, and almost sinful- is when it dictates your actions. If while in school, instead of learning material you constantly wonder how you are going to learn it all and pass the test, that is ineffective worrying. We all have natural concerns of finding a good job to support the lifestyle we want, but if we sit around all day and make no progress finding that good job or changing our lifestyle to fit the income we have, then we are not productive worriers.

If you skip on your tithe this month because you don’t know how you are going to pay rent without that extra 10% in your bank account, then your faith is in the bank that is holding your money. If you give to God, He can give you a higher interest yield than any bank can.

If you skip out on church this week, because you need more time to study for your test, then you are putting your faith in yourself. You think your mind will remember the information better if you leave God and go to your notes.

What if we replace worry with fear. What do you fear? Failing? Being bankrupt? Evicted? Car payments? Rent? Dinner? Clothes? Being a good spouse? Good parent? Good child? sister? Friend? Teacher?

Have you ever worried about the Kingdom of God and being a good steward? Have you ever feared losing a soul? Have you ever feared if your actions have caused someone to fall from God? Have you ever worried if you are doing your ambassador duties?

What we worry in is what we pour ourselves into. Those who worry about a good marriage, spend their energy and time building it up (to their expectations of what up is). If we worried about telling others about Christ, and loving others as God loves us, would we be more productive in that arena?

A concern is different from worry. We all have concerns. Everyone. Even a child wonders about what they are going to eat for dinner, but they don’t worry about it. They aren’t afraid of not having food at all. They just want to know if what they are going to have is what they want.

Are you concerned about your life or are you worried and fearful? Worrying doesn’t change a situation or an outcome- action does. Quit sitting around and biting your nails, and get on your knees and pray. Leave your concerns at the feet of God. He is more than willing to take your burdens and carry them. No weight is too heavy for Him, no thought is too daunting.

He has the best track record for being my problem solver, so I’m cutting out the worrying middle man and going straight to my Father, just like I did as a child when I wanted something. I never sat in my room and sulked over the picture of a bike. I took the picture and confidently asked my Daddy for it. Take your tests, your marriage, your spouse, your job, your relationships…anything that is causing you to doubt, and leave it at the glorious throne of the one that has made all. But most importantly Leave them THERE!

Your gift to God is trusting him enough to handle all your problems. Don’t walk out with your gift. LEAVE IT THERE.